CAST OF CHARACTERS 5 m, 2 f, unlimited number of extras: m and f
PASTOR RON- A middle-aged pastor wearing a suit with or without an ecclesiastical robe
VISITATION LEADER- A middle-aged church man wearing a plain shirt, tie, and dress pants
DAN- A judgmental, thirty-something, church man wearing a plain shirt, tie, and dress pants
CHARITY- A flighty, young, church woman wearing a plain ankle-length skirt and blouse, carrying a spiral notepad
HOPE- An emotionally-motivated woman wearing shorts, a T-shirt, and sandals
ATHEIST- A bitter old man wearing boxers and an undershirt, holding a beer
DANIEL- A twenty-something man with long hair wearing a T-shirt and ripped jeans
EXTRAS- Men and women dressed similarly to DAN and CHARITY
TIME: The present.
At Rise: There is a folding table set up with refreshments SR; on the wall behind it there is a banner with the words “Community Connection.” There are three doors set SCR, SCL, and SL: doors #1, #2, and #3 respectively. There is a pulpit SL of door #1 with some folding chairs DS of it. Lights rise. A spotlight shines on PASTOR RON standing at the pulpit SL.
PASTOR RON (to AUDIENCE): As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.
Light transitions onto table SR. DAN, CHARITY, HOPE, VISITATION LEADER, and EXTRAS are standing in varied places DS of table.
VISITATION LEADER: It sounds from all of your stories so far like the “Community Connection” Campaign is a big success. We'll have a big increase in membership, which means a big increase in funding for the new hi-def, 3D theater screens, and a lot of repentant sinners to rebuke. Can you imagine rebuking sinners in hi-def 3D? It'll be so enriching! So, Dan, Charity, tell us about your visitation tonight.
DAN: Well, the first house we visited...
(Lights transition from table onto door# 1 as DAN, CHARITY, and HOPE walk to door #1; HOPE goes behind door. DAN knocks on door; HOPE opens door, and DAN looks disapprovingly at shorts.)
CHARITY (Looks at notepad and flips a page): Hi, we're your neighbors. (Looks at notepad and flips a page) I'm Charity, and this is Dan. And you are?
HOPE (smiles): I'm Hope.
CHARITY: Oh it's such a spiritual name. (Writes name; slowly flips three pages as she speaks) We're from Fun Exciting Relevant Contemporary Truth Loving Refreshing Enriching Life Righteous Anger Serving Our God Money Community Church with a Hot Tub, and— (Flips page) we're just going out in the community to see what people's needs are.
HOPE: I'm OK, thanks.
DAN: Well, what church d'you attend?
HOPE: I'm...uh...between churches right now.
CHARITY: Oh it's fine. We have a casual, loving environment; we're very “between churches” friendly. It's no pressure at Fun Loving Refreshing Money Community Church with a Hot Tub, and Pastor Ron is so spiritual. Hope, it's been so enriching for me to find God's will for my life.
HOPE (pensively): I do want to know God's will for my life.
CHARITY: What do you like to do? We have lots going on at Fun Exciting Life Money Community Church with a Hot Tub. We have a golf course; we have a pony ranch for the kids; we have an annual dog show; we have God's fireworks every Fourth of July and New Year's. We have a Starbucks; we have a gift shop. We're currently working on getting theater screens for the sanctuary with 3D glasses for everyone. And we have a hot tub, right in the sanctuary. It's so enriching.
HOPE: That sounds nice, but I've been to a few churches that were all about money.
CHARITY: Oh I know! So many churches are like that. It's awful. Money Community Church with a Hot Tub isn't like that at all. It's so enriching.
HOPE: Really? It does sound like a nice place, maybe this church will be different. So you're just going around the neighborhood inviting people to Fun Exciting, uh...Community...Hot Tub? Can I come with?
DAN AND CHARITY: Sure.
(Lights transition from door #1 onto PASTOR RON as DAN, CHARITY, and HOPE walk to door #2; ATHEIST is behind door #2.)
PASTOR RON (to AUDIENCE): The full soul loatheth an honeycomb; but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.
(Lights transition from PASTOR RON onto door #2; DAN knocks on door; ATHEIST opens door, and DAN looks disapprovingly at beer.)
CHARITY (Looks at notepad and flips a page): Hi, we're your neighbors. (Looks at notepad and flips a page) I'm Charity, this is Dan, and, oh this is Hope. And you are?
ATHEIST (angrily): What do ya want?
CHARITY (pauses; slowly flips three pages as she speaks): We're from Fun Exciting Relevant Contemporary Truth Loving Refreshing Enriching Life Righteous Anger Serving Our God Money Community Church with a Hot Tub, and— (Flips page)
ATHEIST (angrily): I'm an atheist. (Closes door; DAN puts foot in door)
CHARITY: Oh we have lots of atheists at Exciting Relevant Loving Money Community Church with a Hot Tub; we're very atheist friendly.
DAN: Why're you so angry? Do you want to burn in Hell for eternity?
ATHEIST: Yeah, I do; that's where the beer is! Religion is just a crutch for the weak mind.
DAN: An' alcohol is a crutch for the weak spirit! Put away your alcohol and turn to God now! You need the Holy Spirit!
ATHEIST: My spirits are stronger than yours!
DAN: Blasphemy!
ATHEIST: Ha! I've backed you into a corner.
DAN: A glass corner that'll shatter. You're gonna burn in Hell forever!
ATHEIST: I will see you there! (Slams door) (Muffled shout through door) And get off my lawn!
(Lights transition from door #2 onto PASTOR RON as DAN, CHARITY, and HOPE walk to door #3; DANIEL is behind door #3.)
PASTOR RON (to AUDIENCE): Many will reject Christ on our account, throw baby Jesus out with the bath water, why? Because of our own hypocrisy, our spiritual vomit!
(Lights transition from PASTOR RON onto door #3; DAN knocks on door; DANIEL opens door, and DAN looks disapprovingly at DANIEL’s hair. Sound effects: loud rock music.)
CHARITY (Looks at notepad and flips a page): Hi, we're your neighbors. (Looks at notepad and flips a page) I'm Charity, this is Dan, and, oh this is Hope. And you are?
DANIEL: Daniel.
CHARITY: Oh we have so much in common; his name is Dan. (Writes name; slowly flips three pages as she speaks) We're from Fun Exciting Relevant Contemporary Truth Loving Refreshing Enriching Life Righteous Anger Serving Our God Money Community Church with a Hot Tub, and— (Flips page) we're just going out in the community to see what people's needs are.
DANIEL: That's good. Helping people is good.
Charity: Oh it's so enriching helping people.
DANIEL: I don't really have any needs right now—
DAN: What church d'you attend?
DANIEL: I'm not really into church that much.
DAN: You an atheist?
DANIEL: Not at all. I used to go to church with a friend in high school.
DAN: Well, you need to get plugged in. Maybe then you'll start listening to some good Christian music.
CHARITY: Daniel, it's so enriching listening to Christian music. At Exciting Relevant Contemporary Money Community Church with a Hot Tub we have CD's for sale online and in the lobby, and Pastor Ron is so spiritual. It's so enriching.
DAN: You need to find God's will for your life.
CHARITY: Oh it's been so enriching for me to find God's will for my life.
DAN: You need to get in a good solid church like Truth Righteous Anger Money Community Church with a Hot Tub if you wanna be ready. I believe The Rapture will be on October 20, 2011. Well, I've been wrong before, so there's really no reason to believe me, I just think it. Jesus mockers, homos an' lesbos, porno freaks, drunkards, Muslims, Buddhists, unsubmissive wives, money lovers, unloving husbands, thieves, rebellious children, liars, lazy Christians, racists, Mormons, fornicators, Roman Catholics, adulterers, an' baby killing women: God will judge you all!
DANIEL: Geez, why don't you make a sign and yell at people on campus?
DAN: I do!
DANIEL: I can't stand judgmental Christians. Churches should be helping people who need help, not harassing innocent bystanders.
CHARITY: Oh I know. That's why I'm so glad I'm a member of Fun Relevant Loving Money Community Church with a Hot Tub; we're not like that at all. We're all about helping people.
DANIEL: Really? What's Fun, Contemporary...uh, Church with a Hot Tub like?
HOPE: Exciting, Community Church with a Hot Tub is a wonderful place. There's a hot tub! And we really do care for the needy.
CHARITY: Oh it's so enriching.
DANIEL: Maybe I will try Contemporary...Serving, uh, Church with a Hot Tub.
CHARITY: Great!
HOPE: See you Sunday.
DAN: An' get a haircut!
(Lights transition from door #3 onto PASTOR RON, and folding chairs as DAN, CHARITY, HOPE, and DANIEL walk to folding chairs and sit)
PASTOR RON (to AUDIENCE): Let us bow our heads in prayer. (DAN, CHARITY, HOPE, and DANIEL Bow their heads) Lord, we beseech thee by thy infinite mercies to give us the strength and wisdom not to return to our spiritual vomit. Father, give us a hedge of protection around our hearts and minds that we may serve thee faithfully and not bow to the pressures of this life. And all God’s people said:
DAN, CHARITY, HOPE, DANIEL, and PASTOR RON: Amen.
PASTOR RON: And amen.
(Lights down.)
Copyright © 2011 David S. Robinson. Any part of this work may be transmitted, preformed or otherwise used in any form, so long as 1) I am clearly identified as the author, 2) a link or URL to this site is included, and 3) no changes are made without my prior written consent.
p.s. Feel free to comment on anything you liked or didn't like. :)
PASTOR RON- A middle-aged pastor wearing a suit with or without an ecclesiastical robe
VISITATION LEADER- A middle-aged church man wearing a plain shirt, tie, and dress pants
DAN- A judgmental, thirty-something, church man wearing a plain shirt, tie, and dress pants
CHARITY- A flighty, young, church woman wearing a plain ankle-length skirt and blouse, carrying a spiral notepad
HOPE- An emotionally-motivated woman wearing shorts, a T-shirt, and sandals
ATHEIST- A bitter old man wearing boxers and an undershirt, holding a beer
DANIEL- A twenty-something man with long hair wearing a T-shirt and ripped jeans
EXTRAS- Men and women dressed similarly to DAN and CHARITY
TIME: The present.
At Rise: There is a folding table set up with refreshments SR; on the wall behind it there is a banner with the words “Community Connection.” There are three doors set SCR, SCL, and SL: doors #1, #2, and #3 respectively. There is a pulpit SL of door #1 with some folding chairs DS of it. Lights rise. A spotlight shines on PASTOR RON standing at the pulpit SL.
PASTOR RON (to AUDIENCE): As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.
Light transitions onto table SR. DAN, CHARITY, HOPE, VISITATION LEADER, and EXTRAS are standing in varied places DS of table.
VISITATION LEADER: It sounds from all of your stories so far like the “Community Connection” Campaign is a big success. We'll have a big increase in membership, which means a big increase in funding for the new hi-def, 3D theater screens, and a lot of repentant sinners to rebuke. Can you imagine rebuking sinners in hi-def 3D? It'll be so enriching! So, Dan, Charity, tell us about your visitation tonight.
DAN: Well, the first house we visited...
(Lights transition from table onto door# 1 as DAN, CHARITY, and HOPE walk to door #1; HOPE goes behind door. DAN knocks on door; HOPE opens door, and DAN looks disapprovingly at shorts.)
CHARITY (Looks at notepad and flips a page): Hi, we're your neighbors. (Looks at notepad and flips a page) I'm Charity, and this is Dan. And you are?
HOPE (smiles): I'm Hope.
CHARITY: Oh it's such a spiritual name. (Writes name; slowly flips three pages as she speaks) We're from Fun Exciting Relevant Contemporary Truth Loving Refreshing Enriching Life Righteous Anger Serving Our God Money Community Church with a Hot Tub, and— (Flips page) we're just going out in the community to see what people's needs are.
HOPE: I'm OK, thanks.
DAN: Well, what church d'you attend?
HOPE: I'm...uh...between churches right now.
CHARITY: Oh it's fine. We have a casual, loving environment; we're very “between churches” friendly. It's no pressure at Fun Loving Refreshing Money Community Church with a Hot Tub, and Pastor Ron is so spiritual. Hope, it's been so enriching for me to find God's will for my life.
HOPE (pensively): I do want to know God's will for my life.
CHARITY: What do you like to do? We have lots going on at Fun Exciting Life Money Community Church with a Hot Tub. We have a golf course; we have a pony ranch for the kids; we have an annual dog show; we have God's fireworks every Fourth of July and New Year's. We have a Starbucks; we have a gift shop. We're currently working on getting theater screens for the sanctuary with 3D glasses for everyone. And we have a hot tub, right in the sanctuary. It's so enriching.
HOPE: That sounds nice, but I've been to a few churches that were all about money.
CHARITY: Oh I know! So many churches are like that. It's awful. Money Community Church with a Hot Tub isn't like that at all. It's so enriching.
HOPE: Really? It does sound like a nice place, maybe this church will be different. So you're just going around the neighborhood inviting people to Fun Exciting, uh...Community...Hot Tub? Can I come with?
DAN AND CHARITY: Sure.
(Lights transition from door #1 onto PASTOR RON as DAN, CHARITY, and HOPE walk to door #2; ATHEIST is behind door #2.)
PASTOR RON (to AUDIENCE): The full soul loatheth an honeycomb; but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.
(Lights transition from PASTOR RON onto door #2; DAN knocks on door; ATHEIST opens door, and DAN looks disapprovingly at beer.)
CHARITY (Looks at notepad and flips a page): Hi, we're your neighbors. (Looks at notepad and flips a page) I'm Charity, this is Dan, and, oh this is Hope. And you are?
ATHEIST (angrily): What do ya want?
CHARITY (pauses; slowly flips three pages as she speaks): We're from Fun Exciting Relevant Contemporary Truth Loving Refreshing Enriching Life Righteous Anger Serving Our God Money Community Church with a Hot Tub, and— (Flips page)
ATHEIST (angrily): I'm an atheist. (Closes door; DAN puts foot in door)
CHARITY: Oh we have lots of atheists at Exciting Relevant Loving Money Community Church with a Hot Tub; we're very atheist friendly.
DAN: Why're you so angry? Do you want to burn in Hell for eternity?
ATHEIST: Yeah, I do; that's where the beer is! Religion is just a crutch for the weak mind.
DAN: An' alcohol is a crutch for the weak spirit! Put away your alcohol and turn to God now! You need the Holy Spirit!
ATHEIST: My spirits are stronger than yours!
DAN: Blasphemy!
ATHEIST: Ha! I've backed you into a corner.
DAN: A glass corner that'll shatter. You're gonna burn in Hell forever!
ATHEIST: I will see you there! (Slams door) (Muffled shout through door) And get off my lawn!
(Lights transition from door #2 onto PASTOR RON as DAN, CHARITY, and HOPE walk to door #3; DANIEL is behind door #3.)
PASTOR RON (to AUDIENCE): Many will reject Christ on our account, throw baby Jesus out with the bath water, why? Because of our own hypocrisy, our spiritual vomit!
(Lights transition from PASTOR RON onto door #3; DAN knocks on door; DANIEL opens door, and DAN looks disapprovingly at DANIEL’s hair. Sound effects: loud rock music.)
CHARITY (Looks at notepad and flips a page): Hi, we're your neighbors. (Looks at notepad and flips a page) I'm Charity, this is Dan, and, oh this is Hope. And you are?
DANIEL: Daniel.
CHARITY: Oh we have so much in common; his name is Dan. (Writes name; slowly flips three pages as she speaks) We're from Fun Exciting Relevant Contemporary Truth Loving Refreshing Enriching Life Righteous Anger Serving Our God Money Community Church with a Hot Tub, and— (Flips page) we're just going out in the community to see what people's needs are.
DANIEL: That's good. Helping people is good.
Charity: Oh it's so enriching helping people.
DANIEL: I don't really have any needs right now—
DAN: What church d'you attend?
DANIEL: I'm not really into church that much.
DAN: You an atheist?
DANIEL: Not at all. I used to go to church with a friend in high school.
DAN: Well, you need to get plugged in. Maybe then you'll start listening to some good Christian music.
CHARITY: Daniel, it's so enriching listening to Christian music. At Exciting Relevant Contemporary Money Community Church with a Hot Tub we have CD's for sale online and in the lobby, and Pastor Ron is so spiritual. It's so enriching.
DAN: You need to find God's will for your life.
CHARITY: Oh it's been so enriching for me to find God's will for my life.
DAN: You need to get in a good solid church like Truth Righteous Anger Money Community Church with a Hot Tub if you wanna be ready. I believe The Rapture will be on October 20, 2011. Well, I've been wrong before, so there's really no reason to believe me, I just think it. Jesus mockers, homos an' lesbos, porno freaks, drunkards, Muslims, Buddhists, unsubmissive wives, money lovers, unloving husbands, thieves, rebellious children, liars, lazy Christians, racists, Mormons, fornicators, Roman Catholics, adulterers, an' baby killing women: God will judge you all!
DANIEL: Geez, why don't you make a sign and yell at people on campus?
DAN: I do!
DANIEL: I can't stand judgmental Christians. Churches should be helping people who need help, not harassing innocent bystanders.
CHARITY: Oh I know. That's why I'm so glad I'm a member of Fun Relevant Loving Money Community Church with a Hot Tub; we're not like that at all. We're all about helping people.
DANIEL: Really? What's Fun, Contemporary...uh, Church with a Hot Tub like?
HOPE: Exciting, Community Church with a Hot Tub is a wonderful place. There's a hot tub! And we really do care for the needy.
CHARITY: Oh it's so enriching.
DANIEL: Maybe I will try Contemporary...Serving, uh, Church with a Hot Tub.
CHARITY: Great!
HOPE: See you Sunday.
DAN: An' get a haircut!
(Lights transition from door #3 onto PASTOR RON, and folding chairs as DAN, CHARITY, HOPE, and DANIEL walk to folding chairs and sit)
PASTOR RON (to AUDIENCE): Let us bow our heads in prayer. (DAN, CHARITY, HOPE, and DANIEL Bow their heads) Lord, we beseech thee by thy infinite mercies to give us the strength and wisdom not to return to our spiritual vomit. Father, give us a hedge of protection around our hearts and minds that we may serve thee faithfully and not bow to the pressures of this life. And all God’s people said:
DAN, CHARITY, HOPE, DANIEL, and PASTOR RON: Amen.
PASTOR RON: And amen.
(Lights down.)
Copyright © 2011 David S. Robinson. Any part of this work may be transmitted, preformed or otherwise used in any form, so long as 1) I am clearly identified as the author, 2) a link or URL to this site is included, and 3) no changes are made without my prior written consent.
p.s. Feel free to comment on anything you liked or didn't like. :)
