A Toasty Bed

George was a very patient man. So patient, in fact, that he rarely got up in the morning. One day he awoke to the smell of his wife’s toast, which is odd because she had left him many years ago. The toast was then burning, and George quickly realized that is was not toast, but a small fire.

“It’s only a small fire,” he yawned. Back to bed.

As the fire grew hot he gave a pause. Ah! He thought, free heating! He would have a lower gas bill this month, he reasoned.

Eventually he accepted the sweating heat and hacking smoke, it just seemed normal now. His bed soon caught fire. ah, a nice toasty bed.

When the house had totally burned down and he was totally burned (yet he had miraculously survived), the fire department finally arrived. As he sat in the hospital covered in bandages he asked the nurse “why are hospitals always so cold?” She shrugged.

“I miss my toasty bed,” he said with a sigh.


Copyright © 2011 David S. Robinson. Any part of this work may be transmitted, preformed or otherwise used in any form, so long as 1) I am clearly identified as the author, 2) a link or URL to this site is included, and 3) no changes are made without my prior written consent.

p.s. Feel free to comment on anything you liked or didn't like. :)

Excerpt from a Tract on God's Name

Where d- v-wels c-me fr-m? It may suprise s-me -f my Christian br-thers wh- arn't aware -f the Jewish faith that v-wels are anti-christ! The creat-r's alphabet has n- v-wels! V-wels are a pagan inventi-n! The KJV says in Leviticus 10:1-2: "And Nadab and Abihu, the s-ns -f Aar-n, t--k either -f them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense there-n, and -ffered strange fire bef-re the L-RD, which he c-mmanded them n-t. And there went -ut fire fr-m the L-RD, and dev-ured them, and they died bef-re the L-RD."
V-wels are a strange fire that the L-rd did n-t c-mmand! It is c-mm-n, undisputed and undesputable kn-wlege that the -riginal alphabet -f the creat-r (ancient pale--Hebrew) was an abjad (n- v-wels) and we are being dev-ured by the strange v-wels that G-d never intended! V-wels were invented by the pagan Greeks, yet th-se wh- call themselves christian use pagan v-wels!

All v-wels are pagan, but the w-rst -f all is the "O." The "O" c-mes fr-m the pagan Egyptian letter Ir which represents an eye. The KJV says in Pr-verbs 10:10 "He that winketh with the eye causeth s-rr-w: but a prating f--l shall fall." We cause s-rr-w winking with the "O" in -ur writings. Remember Jesus said in Matthew 18:9 "And if thine eye -ffend thee, pluck it -ut, and cast it fr-m thee: it is better f-r thee t- enter int- life with -ne eye, rather than having tw- eyes t- be cast int- hell fire." While it w-uld be better t- rem-ve ALL v-wels fr-m -ur lives, we must pluck -ut the "O" if we want t- enter int- life!

What is the creat-r's name? We call Him L-rd, but that is n-t his name. That is a title. His name is G-d. S-me spell "L-rd" and "G-d" with v-wels, but y-u will n-t -ffer strange fire bef-re Him! The L-rd G-d demands H-liness! Y-u will n-t take the L-rd's name in vain. Th-se wh- use v-wels are breaking the sec-nd c-mmandment! Y-u w-uld n-t bring a gun t- sch--l -r a g-vernment building, thus breaking the sec-nd ammendment, w-uld y-u? s- why w-uld y-u break the sec-nd c-mmandment, calling the L-rd strange names by using v-wels? And they use the w-rst -f all, the "O"; The KJV says in Mark 3:29 "But he that shall blaspheme against the H-ly Gh-st hath never f-rgiveness, but is in danger -f eternal damnati-n." Using pagan v-wels in the Ha'Shem (sacred names), especially the "O," is blaspheming the H-ly Spirit! G-uge -ut the "O"s!!

S-, h-w are the Ha'Shem (The sacred names) t- be pr-n-unced? S-me pr-n-unce them strangely with pagan v-wels, but they are c-rrectly spelled "G-d" and "L-rd," with-ut v-wels. S-, h-w are they pr-n-unced with-ut v-wels? T- make the c-rrect Christian pr-n-unciati-n and n-t break the sec-nd c-mmandment, as with all language, the t-ngue is imp-rtant. The pr-n-unciati-n is very simallar f-r all the -ther letters. F-r the v-weless part, place y-ur t-ngue firmly int- y-ur cheek. That is the c-rrect pr-n-unciati-n -f the Ha'Shem (sacred names).


Copyright © 2011 David S. Robinson. Any part of this work may be transmitted, preformed or otherwise used in any form, so long as 1) I am clearly identified as the author, 2) a link or URL to this site is included, and 3) no changes are made without my prior written consent.

p.s. Feel free to comment on anything you liked or didn't like. :)

Door to Door

CAST OF CHARACTERS 5 m, 2 f, unlimited number of extras: m and f

PASTOR RON- A middle-aged pastor wearing a suit with or without an ecclesiastical robe

VISITATION LEADER- A middle-aged church man wearing a plain shirt, tie, and dress pants

DAN- A judgmental, thirty-something, church man wearing a plain shirt, tie, and dress pants

CHARITY- A flighty, young, church woman wearing a plain ankle-length skirt and blouse, carrying a spiral notepad

HOPE- An emotionally-motivated woman wearing shorts, a T-shirt, and sandals

ATHEIST- A bitter old man wearing boxers and an undershirt, holding a beer

DANIEL- A twenty-something man with long hair wearing a T-shirt and ripped jeans

EXTRAS- Men and women dressed similarly to DAN and CHARITY

TIME: The present.


At Rise: There is a folding table set up with refreshments SR; on the wall behind it there is a banner with the words “Community Connection.” There are three doors set SCR, SCL, and SL: doors #1, #2, and #3 respectively. There is a pulpit SL of door #1 with some folding chairs DS of it. Lights rise. A spotlight shines on PASTOR RON standing at the pulpit SL.

PASTOR RON (to AUDIENCE): As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.

Light transitions onto table SR. DAN, CHARITY, HOPE, VISITATION LEADER, and EXTRAS are standing in varied places DS of table.

VISITATION LEADER: It sounds from all of your stories so far like the “Community Connection” Campaign is a big success. We'll have a big increase in membership, which means a big increase in funding for the new hi-def, 3D theater screens, and a lot of repentant sinners to rebuke. Can you imagine rebuking sinners in hi-def 3D? It'll be so enriching! So, Dan, Charity, tell us about your visitation tonight.

DAN: Well, the first house we visited...

(Lights transition from table onto door# 1 as DAN, CHARITY, and HOPE walk to door #1; HOPE goes behind door. DAN knocks on door; HOPE opens door, and DAN looks disapprovingly at shorts.)

CHARITY (Looks at notepad and flips a page): Hi, we're your neighbors. (Looks at notepad and flips a page) I'm Charity, and this is Dan. And you are?

HOPE (smiles): I'm Hope.

CHARITY: Oh it's such a spiritual name. (Writes name; slowly flips three pages as she speaks) We're from Fun Exciting Relevant Contemporary Truth Loving Refreshing Enriching Life Righteous Anger Serving Our God Money Community Church with a Hot Tub, and— (Flips page) we're just going out in the community to see what people's needs are.

HOPE: I'm OK, thanks.

DAN: Well, what church d'you attend?

HOPE: I'm...uh...between churches right now.

CHARITY: Oh it's fine. We have a casual, loving environment; we're very “between churches” friendly. It's no pressure at Fun Loving Refreshing Money Community Church with a Hot Tub, and Pastor Ron is so spiritual. Hope, it's been so enriching for me to find God's will for my life.

HOPE (pensively): I do want to know God's will for my life.

CHARITY: What do you like to do? We have lots going on at Fun Exciting Life Money Community Church with a Hot Tub. We have a golf course; we have a pony ranch for the kids; we have an annual dog show; we have God's fireworks every Fourth of July and New Year's. We have a Starbucks; we have a gift shop. We're currently working on getting theater screens for the sanctuary with 3D glasses for everyone. And we have a hot tub, right in the sanctuary. It's so enriching.

HOPE: That sounds nice, but I've been to a few churches that were all about money.

CHARITY: Oh I know! So many churches are like that. It's awful. Money Community Church with a Hot Tub isn't like that at all. It's so enriching.

HOPE: Really? It does sound like a nice place, maybe this church will be different. So you're just going around the neighborhood inviting people to Fun Exciting, uh...Community...Hot Tub? Can I come with?

DAN AND CHARITY: Sure.

(Lights transition from door #1 onto PASTOR RON as DAN, CHARITY, and HOPE walk to door #2; ATHEIST is behind door #2.)

PASTOR RON (to AUDIENCE): The full soul loatheth an honeycomb; but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.

(Lights transition from PASTOR RON onto door #2; DAN knocks on door; ATHEIST opens door, and DAN looks disapprovingly at beer.)

CHARITY (Looks at notepad and flips a page): Hi, we're your neighbors. (Looks at notepad and flips a page) I'm Charity, this is Dan, and, oh this is Hope. And you are?

ATHEIST (angrily): What do ya want?

CHARITY (pauses; slowly flips three pages as she speaks): We're from Fun Exciting Relevant Contemporary Truth Loving Refreshing Enriching Life Righteous Anger Serving Our God Money Community Church with a Hot Tub, and— (Flips page)

ATHEIST (angrily): I'm an atheist. (Closes door; DAN puts foot in door)

CHARITY: Oh we have lots of atheists at Exciting Relevant Loving Money Community Church with a Hot Tub; we're very atheist friendly.

DAN: Why're you so angry? Do you want to burn in Hell for eternity?

ATHEIST: Yeah, I do; that's where the beer is! Religion is just a crutch for the weak mind.

DAN: An' alcohol is a crutch for the weak spirit! Put away your alcohol and turn to God now! You need the Holy Spirit!

ATHEIST: My spirits are stronger than yours!

DAN: Blasphemy!

ATHEIST: Ha! I've backed you into a corner.

DAN: A glass corner that'll shatter. You're gonna burn in Hell forever!

ATHEIST: I will see you there! (Slams door) (Muffled shout through door) And get off my lawn!

(Lights transition from door #2 onto PASTOR RON as DAN, CHARITY, and HOPE walk to door #3; DANIEL is behind door #3.)

PASTOR RON (to AUDIENCE): Many will reject Christ on our account, throw baby Jesus out with the bath water, why? Because of our own hypocrisy, our spiritual vomit!

(Lights transition from PASTOR RON onto door #3; DAN knocks on door; DANIEL opens door, and DAN looks disapprovingly at DANIEL’s hair. Sound effects: loud rock music.)

CHARITY (Looks at notepad and flips a page): Hi, we're your neighbors. (Looks at notepad and flips a page) I'm Charity, this is Dan, and, oh this is Hope. And you are?

DANIEL: Daniel.

CHARITY: Oh we have so much in common; his name is Dan. (Writes name; slowly flips three pages as she speaks) We're from Fun Exciting Relevant Contemporary Truth Loving Refreshing Enriching Life Righteous Anger Serving Our God Money Community Church with a Hot Tub, and— (Flips page) we're just going out in the community to see what people's needs are.

DANIEL: That's good. Helping people is good.

Charity: Oh it's so enriching helping people.

DANIEL: I don't really have any needs right now—

DAN: What church d'you attend?

DANIEL: I'm not really into church that much.

DAN: You an atheist?

DANIEL: Not at all. I used to go to church with a friend in high school.

DAN: Well, you need to get plugged in. Maybe then you'll start listening to some good Christian music.

CHARITY: Daniel, it's so enriching listening to Christian music. At Exciting Relevant Contemporary Money Community Church with a Hot Tub we have CD's for sale online and in the lobby, and Pastor Ron is so spiritual. It's so enriching.

DAN: You need to find God's will for your life.

CHARITY: Oh it's been so enriching for me to find God's will for my life.

DAN: You need to get in a good solid church like Truth Righteous Anger Money Community Church with a Hot Tub if you wanna be ready. I believe The Rapture will be on October 20, 2011. Well, I've been wrong before, so there's really no reason to believe me, I just think it. Jesus mockers, homos an' lesbos, porno freaks, drunkards, Muslims, Buddhists, unsubmissive wives, money lovers, unloving husbands, thieves, rebellious children, liars, lazy Christians, racists, Mormons, fornicators, Roman Catholics, adulterers, an' baby killing women: God will judge you all!

DANIEL: Geez, why don't you make a sign and yell at people on campus?

DAN: I do!

DANIEL: I can't stand judgmental Christians. Churches should be helping people who need help, not harassing innocent bystanders.

CHARITY: Oh I know. That's why I'm so glad I'm a member of Fun Relevant Loving Money Community Church with a Hot Tub; we're not like that at all. We're all about helping people.

DANIEL: Really? What's Fun, Contemporary...uh, Church with a Hot Tub like?

HOPE: Exciting, Community Church with a Hot Tub is a wonderful place. There's a hot tub! And we really do care for the needy.

CHARITY: Oh it's so enriching.

DANIEL: Maybe I will try Contemporary...Serving, uh, Church with a Hot Tub.

CHARITY: Great!

HOPE: See you Sunday.

DAN: An' get a haircut!

(Lights transition from door #3 onto PASTOR RON, and folding chairs as DAN, CHARITY, HOPE, and DANIEL walk to folding chairs and sit)

PASTOR RON (to AUDIENCE): Let us bow our heads in prayer. (DAN, CHARITY, HOPE, and DANIEL Bow their heads) Lord, we beseech thee by thy infinite mercies to give us the strength and wisdom not to return to our spiritual vomit. Father, give us a hedge of protection around our hearts and minds that we may serve thee faithfully and not bow to the pressures of this life. And all God’s people said:

DAN, CHARITY, HOPE, DANIEL, and PASTOR RON: Amen.

PASTOR RON: And amen.

(Lights down.)


Copyright © 2011 David S. Robinson. Any part of this work may be transmitted, preformed or otherwise used in any form, so long as 1) I am clearly identified as the author, 2) a link or URL to this site is included, and 3) no changes are made without my prior written consent.

p.s. Feel free to comment on anything you liked or didn't like. :)

That Old Building

Some say that old building is haunted; others say that the figure seen inside is just the custodian. Whatever the figure is, a ghost or a janitor, I don't know, but I will tell of another version I heard from my pastor. "That old building" I mentioned is the one with the steeple, the stained glass, and the pews. That figure seen, according to my pastor, is God. On Sunday, God is in His prime. He fellowships with His children; He speaks through the pastor; once in a while he'll even work a miracle (as long as there's time in the schedule). Come Monday, however, everyone's gone, and He's left all alone. It's not that He doesn't want to be with them, but the disturbing truth is...

God is trapped in that old building! He can't get out! Some say He's there to protect Him from the outside; others say He's there by some command; still others say that the building itself has such a power that even God cannot escape. Whatever the reason, try as He may to go through a door, a window, or a wall, He cannot get out.

On Tuesday, a group of men is praying; they need answers fast, but God's ears are too dull to hear them. Perhaps if they'd come inside. On Wednesday, God sees some passers by. He cries to them, but the immense walls muffle His words, and the stained glass distorts His visage. They don't know whom He is. On Thursday, a woman prays in her house; she desperately needs healing, but God's arms are too short to save her, trapped in that old building. On Friday, two teens are trying to study the scriptures; they want to know God, but He's not in the Bible; He's in that old building. They can't hear Him through the walls. By Saturday, God gives up on trying to escape and waits for Sunday to come.

On Sunday, everyone comes back; they've all missed God so much that they make a decision: "Let's have our service here every day!" Consequently, most of them have to abandon their families and jobs, but God doesn't mind, because He was lonely all by Himself in that old building.


Copyright © 2011 David S. Robinson. Any part of this work may be transmitted, preformed or otherwise used in any form, so long as 1) I am clearly identified as the author, 2) a link or URL to this site is included, and 3) no changes are made without my prior written consent.

p.s. Feel free to comment on anything you liked or didn't like. :)

Nounia

Bob sat in front of his T.V. set with a frozen dinner and a Diet Coke. His eyes glossed as he skipped forward through the ads, but something made him stop.

"Do you have trouble thinking of the right word?" the soothingly unisex-voiced announcer asked.

Bob thought about his social awkwardness and the forgetfulness he was dawning on as he reached 40.

"Can you describe something to the smallest detail, but can't think of what it's called? Do you sometimes use the wrong noun at the right time? These could be signs of a legitimate medical condition called Noun Type Neurodeficiency Forgetfulness Syndrome, or NTNDFS, commonly called Noun Loss. People with Noun Loss may have trouble remembering names, explaining concepts, defending themselves in court, writing poetry, or carrying on a conversation the way they used to."

"Yes," Bob thought to himself, "I have trouble remembering names."

"But thanks to medical science we now have Nounia."
From here the ad began to show people shopping, bicycling, swimming, and playing with their grandkids.

"What if I have Noun Loss?" Bob muttered.

"Nounia is the first FDA approved drug for the treatment of Noun Loss, so you know it's safe. Nounia can help those with Noun Loss take back their nouns, and take back their lives."

"I need Nounia!" Bob shouted.

Presently a young white doctor with blue eyes and perfect teeth appeared. "Don't take Nounia if you are nursing, pregnant, or sexually active; the most common side effects with Nounia are memory loss, dizziness, dry lungs, constipation, diarrhea, increased gambling and sexual urges, swearing, wanting to play or listen to music, and uncontrollable hair growth. Do not operate light machinery or read Shakespeare out loud while on Nounia; do not ride a tandem bicycle until you know how Nounia will affect you. Occasional and rare side effects may include death, vomiting, loss of speech, paralyzation, and boredom with office meetings; if you experience a yellowish rash three quarters of the way up your ribs on the left, call your doctor immediately and stop taking Nounia."

Bob was enthralled by the dancing of the pixels on the screen and the hypnotizing sound in his ears.

"Take back your nouns, take back your life, with Nounia."

Bob immediately called his doctor who heartily recommended Nounia. The first time he took it, Bob sleep-walked into a lake, but neither the lake nor the inexplicable loss of every bit of the cartilage in his body is what killed Bob; what killed him was the fact that his heart burst - literally exploded. Bob's family started a class-action lawsuit against the company that made Nounia (Witchdoctor-Graft, makers of Verbatim); Nounia was subsequently pulled from the market. I believe Witchdoctor-Graft is now selling the same drug under a different name, though I can't recall what.

Copyright © 2011 David S. Robinson. Any part of this work may be transmitted, preformed or otherwise used in any form, so long as 1) I am clearly identified as the author, 2) a link or URL to this site is included, and 3) no changes are made without my prior written consent.

p.s. Feel free to comment on anything you liked or didn't like. :)